When Facts Don’t Work, Feelings Do
If you’ve ever tried to reason with someone living with dementia, you know facts don’t always win.
What matters most isn’t accuracy — it’s connection.
That insight sits at the center of a psychological approach called Transactional Analysis (TA) — the study of how our inner “voices” shape every conversation we have.
For caregivers, TA offers more than theory — it’s a map for empathy.
The Three Voices We All Use
Every interaction, especially in dementia care, comes from one of three inner voices:
1. The Parent Voice — The Rule-Giver
“You already asked that.” / “That’s not right.”
- When it helps: maintains routines and safety when used gently.
- When it hurts: can sound scolding or superior, triggering agitation or withdrawal.
2. The Adult Voice — The Calm Responder
“Let’s think about that together.” / “Tell me what you’d like.”
- Keeps the tone steady, logical, and kind — perfect for most caregiving moments.
3. The Child Voice — The Playful One
“That’s silly!” / “Let’s sing it again!”
- Opens space for laughter, music, and shared joy.
- Overused, it can confuse or overwhelm if the person feels anxious.
Caregiver takeaway: stay mostly in your Adult voice, sprinkle in the Nurturing Parent when offering comfort, and join the Child only when it brings joy.
Everyday Moments, Different Outcomes
Let’s see what happens when you switch your voice.
“I need to go home.”
❌ “You are home already.”
✅ “We’ll go soon — tell me about your old house while we wait.”
(You joined her reality instead of correcting it.)
“You never let me do anything.”
❌ “That’s not true.”
✅ “You miss helping — want to fold these towels with me?”
(You gave recognition and purpose.)
“I have to get to work.”
❌ “You retired years ago.”
✅ “The office called — you’ve got the day off!”
(You honored identity and pride.)
Repeated questions
❌ “I just told you that!”
✅ “You really like to be sure of things — here it is again.”
(You validated the feeling underneath the question.)
Each of these turns an argument into an Adult-to-Adult or Nurturing-Parent-to-Child exchange — calm, caring, and effective.
Quick Caregiver Check-In
Before you respond, pause and ask yourself:
- Which voice am I using right now?
- Am I answering a need for fact or a need for feeling?
- Will my next sentence bring us closer — or just prove I’m right?
That tiny pause can transform a day.
Karen’s Story: The Voice That Changed Everything
Karen used to correct her husband Bill whenever he said he needed to go to work.
Each morning began with tension.
One day she tried something new. When Bill reached for his jacket, she smiled and said,
“Good idea — you always were the early bird. Let’s get you a good breakfast before you go.”
Bill relaxed and laughed about “the boss.” Breakfast went smoothly, and Karen realized her calm, nurturing tone made all the difference.
The truth hadn’t changed, but the feeling had.
Try This Today
Pick one moment when you’d normally correct — and instead, connect.
Meet your loved one where they are.
Let your voice become the bridge between your world and theirs.
AtendaCare Reflection
When words fail, feelings still speak.
Choose the voice that connects, not corrects.